The other day Ian came home from school with a skinned knee. It was scabby, red, sore, and very dirty. He wasn’t happy about having his knee cleaned off, and he was even less thrilled about having it touched by a band-aid. He hesitantly followed me into the bathroom, hopped up on the counter, closed his eyes, and stuck his leg out.
“Mommy, I think I can trust you, but I’m not sure. I’m just not sure if this will hurt, or what you are going to do, but I think I can trust you.” Then he opened his eyes and looked up at me. “I think I can,” he repeated to himself more than to me.
I explained to him that it might sting a little to put some antibiotic cream and a band-aid on, but he could trust that I was doing it so that he would heal faster and he would ultimately experience less pain. He understood and he was very brave.
I saw my own heart revealed in this little exchange. My son was honest, and he was willing to trust but he was very unsure because he knew that pain would be involved. He knows I am his mom, but he wavered a bit in the face of suffering…just like me. I am the same way with God. “God, I know who you are, but this is going to hurt…I think I can trust you.” It’s hard because it’s easier to trust myself, and it’s hard to trust God when I know that life stings, and when I know that life is hard sometimes. I want to trust him, but there’s that doubt…that hesitation.
Right now I am living in that wavering and uncertain trust. We are in the process of opening this ministry center and there are many unknowns. God has made it clear through prayer and circumstances that this is the next step, and He has confirmed it with the first donations coming in. The door is open, the numbers have been crunched, and now we wait. Will we raise all the funds? How long will the renovation take? Will this have the impact we want? How hard will this be?
I wish I could say that my faith is always steadfast, and I wish I could say that I never tremble in the waiting…but that would be dishonest. Many times I simply sit before God, close my eyes, and wait for the sting while saying, “God I think I can trust you.” Maybe that is childlike faith after all…obedience in the unknowing and willingness in the waiting…living in the thinking instead of the fully knowing.
“God I think I can trust you, help me to be faithful, and help me to trust you more.”